Two weeks and going strong...

Well, the vacay was well needed medication for all the madness surrounding me. So, as a little sedative to the madness, i have adopted a new lifestyle/identifier: pescetarian. I am not sure i am spelling it right, but i am sure i am executing it correctly. It has been two weeks since i last consumed meat other than seafood. I am a fake vegetarian, well not really fake, but not really vegetarian. I still hold a grudge to all aquatic non-mammals and yes i will eat you. No, i dont hold a grudge, but i cant give up seafood, love it too much. But i am making a conscious effort to eat to sustainably to my heart's content. Not grumpy yet, no weightloss yet either, not that i am expecting any.

Pre-vacation Chaos Buildup!

Yay! My first real vacation ever next week! Cruise to Baja, here I come! That is if Murphy's Law doesn't tackle the shit out of me in the next few days. Murphy, you son of a bitch, I see you and your stupid law coming! You ain't gonna get me!!!!!! So in regular fashion, I am falling apart as usual and it is all my procrastinating ass's fault.
Aldous Huxley said “There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.” Well Mr. Huxley, that is also the same corner we can all be certain of utterly fucking up. 
Case and point: I will do the dishes tomorrow, I will do that report later, I will exercise tomorrow, I will start my diet again tomorrow... And when later comes what do you have? Nasty moldy dishes, a pissed off boss, a jiggly ass, and the Michelin Man staring back at you in disgust when you look in the mirror. 
Why do we do this to ourselves? I certainly cannot answer why I have procrastinated the hell out of everything right before a badly needed vacation. If I have accomplished one thing, it is definitely to increase the stress out of all the loose ends I am leaving behind and proportionately decrease the amount of pleasure I will experience. So should I just fast forward to the end and shoot my foot now? NO! The key here is realizing, that while dear Mr. Huxley is right, we also have the option of brushing it all off and just keep on truckin'. Well not everything everything, but the things that we know that we will regret worrying about later. 

Remember, we are all trying to find a happy middle (except for all those damn over-achievers who have to excel at every damn little thing...Yes! I mean you little sis! I love you but I hate your skinny rich guts!). I am not going to stress about how clean my house is, my hubby is going to do the dishes, my boss can get pissed at me for whatever tasks I don't complete and can tell me about it when i come back, I will make a little effort to get off my ass and eat right these days before my vacay (but not that much), but come that day... exercise? diet? Y eso que chingao es?!? Super Buffet, here I come! And I am not going to regret it one bit. Some things in life are meant to be thoroughly enjoyed! 

Plan your little vacation and enjoy the reckless abandonment we should all indulge in precious few moments like these! Besides, if you have been large and in charge most of your life like yours truly, you have also been thoroughly stressed out and depressed, too. We deserve it.

Wish me luck with the chips on my shoulders i gotta take care of before i leave (man! I really feel like some chips right now, Queso Ruffles anyone?)

Oh, and here is a shout-out to my big sis: Thanks for convincing me to go, YOU FUCKING ROCK!!!!

Long time - No See

Ay ya it has been a long time since my last post. Well, getting back to behaviors. My little experiment didn't work for long. I began eating an orange, an apple, and a banana every day for breakfast. It was easy at first, but after a few weeks, these items became as appetizing as shoving down a bowl of sponges.

The upside? Well, i did lose weight, and i felt better in several aspects of my life. I felt more agile, with more energy, and most important of all, i felt proud of myself for sticking to this routine. Ah but all good things must come to an end, and this, unfortunately met its end quite soon.

There is always a lesson to be learned, and i have learned from this experiment that i need variety within the meal not only in one meal a day. My new tactic: instead of just eating a whole meal of only fruit, i will eat one fruit per meal. But until that starts, a few slices of Pizza! Yay!
Yes, I know... It is super bad to say that a whole day is ruined because of one misstep. And i had quite a few missteps to day to justify eating a whole pie!

No, i am not going to eat a whole pie, but, considering how bad this week has been, i sure deserve it.  Which brings me to my next point.

Obesity is not a problem, it is a symptom of a problem. Well it is a problem to those of us who are carrying all that extra baggage, but we have huge asses because we are not taking care of other, bigger problems (yes even bigger than our asses) in our lives. My taco truck sized junk is just the end product of other problems that i am just not dealing with. So here returns why i am eating a crap-load of pizza today. I have started to see a psychiatrist to help me correct the behaviors that have lead me down the path to size 18. I have also started talking to a weight management behaviorist to coach me along the way. Lastly, i have lowered my expectations. I am always going to fail if my expectations are too high, so i am always going to get disappointed because i failed, so i am always going to drown my disappointment with a pint of chocolate brownie ice cream. You see the cycle? Really?! Do i even need to explain this, if you are reading this your squishy ass is probably sitting right next to mine in the same damn cycle.

So, after all this rambling, i come to my point. It is okay to seek help. Sometimes it takes someone on the outside of the fish bowl to help us see the truth. There is one caveat, though, you have to be ready for them to tell you that your bowl water smells like shit (but they will help you figure out how to clean it).
So in an effort to clean my fishbowl i have a new, and realistic goal: get below 200 lbs by my 30th birthday, so in numbers that breaks down to roughly 3 lbs a week. Come to think of it, its not as realistic as i would like it (yes, being lazy is coming in to play here) but here I go.
Good luck to you, and wish me luck!

Something about habits...

Whoa 240 Lbs.! That's a lot. The most i have ever weighed without being pregnant, and man do i feel it. Everything hurts! I feel like i am twenty years older and that SUCKS! Nevertheless, i refuse to diet! Dr. Oz says that your body wants to self regulate. So about habits: it is my habits that have gotten me into this situation. You all know what kind of habits can get you in this condition, so i am not going to list them. So, instead of eliminating my current habits the way of a square peg in a round hole, i am going to evict them by way of adopting new habits. No dieting here people!

Habit No. 1
Start smoking! Just kidding! Asthmatic, cant even be around smoke. I read that there are numerous benefits to drinking a daily 8 oz cup of coffee, limiting the sugar and creamer of course. So, a cup of coffee in the morning it is! Besides it sure helps kickstart my ass in the morning.

Habit No. 2
Chew gum like a New Jersey Stripper. Yes, it will make me fart up a storm, but my breath will be minty fresh and it will keep my mouth busy and my sweet tooth satisfied.

Habit No. 3
Drink a crapload of water. nuf said.

Habit No. 4
Go to sleep early. Well, easier said than done since my lil munchkins have iron-clad will to stay up late. Any tips on boring my toddlers to sleep?

Habit No. 5
Drink a glass of red wine every night. Just like coffee, a little red wine has numerous health benefits, plus, it makes me feel gooooooood! Woo Hoo! Goodbye Obesity! Alcoholism Here I Come and I am Thirsty!

Enough habits for now. Hit me up if you have any other good ones to take on (easy please, i am 1/260th goldfish and i cant remember complicated things)

Ugh! I am effin' tired of being fat! Yes i know i am not the only one who feels that way!

I know what fat is. I know how it develops within the within the honeycomb netting that holds my legs together beneath my skin. I know precisely what junk i put in my mouth has a fast track pass to get converted into fat. Nonetheless, i eat that shit anyways. Then, i get depressed because i ate that shit; so i eat some more of some other shit. And the cycle continues. I know that i need to lose weight because of my health, and that as a result of improved health, i will look and feel better. But I can't. My fat just means so much more to me than that. And no, dont get me wrong, i am not fond of it by any means. If i could somehow fashion some cement boots for my fat, it would definately would go on a one way trip off the Golden Gate Bridge. All of my other problems stem from my fat. At least to me they do. I know that this is not realistic, but that is how it feels. Losing weight is No. 1 on my list of things that i need to change/improve/control; and until i get No. 1 out of the list, i cant get to the rest of my list. Shut up and do something about it says You? Well, i am. There is no plan. No diet. No method. In fact, i am starting my lifestyle change exactly the opposite of how nutrition experts say you shouldnt. BINGE! Yup, i have eaten today to my heart's content. And yes, my little content heart feels like it is going to pop out of my throat to make room for all of the tasty bites i had today. Regret. At least my body feels it, but not mentally, at least right now (a sentiment insured by a crisp chill Heineken). It started with today, and tomorrow we will see what happens. I have years of experience in various dieting techniques and methodologies which all have one thing in common: habit. So here we go, lets go get into some new habits. Then once i get No.1 off my list, i can finally take care of all the other depressing shit that is wrong with me. Who knows, No. 1 may turn out to be the only one on the list. Wish me luck!

Oh and here is a spankin' great heap of good Karma toward my big sis who is on a weight loss journey of her own. Albeit i am super effin jealous because she didnt gain as much weight as i did after having lil kiddos, AND she is doing a really good job at closing the cottage cheese factory. To my sis! I wish your ass looks just like Sofia Vergara's.
Love,

Kayos!